Quotes from Groucho Marx
Master of Wit and Sarcasm

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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Here’s to our girlfriends and wives; may they never meet!

Now there’s a man with an open mind – you can feel the breeze from here!

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little at that.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh… Now you tell me what you know.

You’ll be hearing from my lawyer as soon as he graduates from law school!